"Things I haven't enjoyed for couple of years now, and never will," I sweetly informed myself. I am now a member of the Church; long had been in almost 8 years. I will never indulge myself in such pagan celebrations anymore, nor will they fill my heart with overwhelming joy the way I used to feel them when I was younger.
I haven't experienced celebrating Christmas with all of my family members present, not even once. I guess I had three or four celebrations with my mom and three brothers, but there was no instance that my father had been with us. I don't know, but I couldn't remember that ever happened.
In spite of this, I know I was happy then whenever this season comes; for whatever reason I don't know. Maybe it had been a worldly instinct to feel extraordinarily elated when they feel the cold air caressing their faces, knowing that the so-called "season of giving" is about to approach. As a child, maybe I was thinking to receive plenty of gifts from my ninongs and ninangs before so I always feel inexplicably excited.
Remains of memories are still undeniably vivid in my mind even up to now. I can still remember myself knocking from house to house when I was two years old, visiting my ninongs and ninangs, longing to receive any gift from them. Most of them are rich so they don't mind, and because of that I mostly step out of their doorways carrying a handful of presents that always leave me satisfied. I realize now how shameless I was. Geeezzz!!!
But now, is it not December 24 already and few hours after writing this Filipino families will once again be celebrating their Noche Buena? Where had been the spirit of Christmas I used to feel and enjoy before gone? Do I not feel excited now because I am no longer a two-year old silly girl who is shameless enough to solicit gifts from somebody else's house? Is it because I have given up the hope of having my father with us to celebrate this season of the year?
"No," my heart answers. I don't use to feel the same way not because of not receiving Christmas presents, nor because of the absence of anybody else; I don’t feel the same way because I have come into understanding and enlightenment of God's words. I better understand now what has to be celebrated and when should I feel excited. I guess now, being a servant of God, I have come into realization what the true meaning of happiness really is.
I have just felt it yesterday while celebrating our Thanksgiving to God together with all the brethren all over the world. I admit I felt so exhausted yesterday yet my spirit had been strengthened once more. We may have no extravagant preparations like all rich families had to celebrate their Noche Buena this night, but inside my heart flows continuously an endless joy for understanding God's goodness, magnificence, and great love.
I have now stepped forward from my usual childish thinking, longing for gifts that will soon be ruined and destroyed. I am now matured enough to realize the consequences of my choice. Yes, I confidently enjoy the path that I have travailed. I do not regret, nor will I ever feel sorry. I may not feel some things that give pleasure to men in this life but it doesn't bother me. I know that resting under the wings of God's power is the most intelligent decision I have made in my life, and for this He always has something in store for me.
December 24, 2006
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